This is probably the top fear adoptees have when they consider searching for their birth mom. It’s been my experience that you have to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Unfortunately, there are cases where birth mothers do not wish to be contacted. While that situation may not be ideal, you can still put a positive spin on things. At least now you know. How much time have you spent throughout your lifetime fantasizing about who your birth mom is and if she looks like you? I spent countless hours before my search questioning, wondering, and worrying. I think most adoptees do.

If she has denied communication, give her some time to process the situation. It’s likely she has a completely different life now than she once did, and hearing from you has been quite a shock. If you allow her time to think things through, she may come around. If she doesn’t, then you should respect that. You have to grieve and move on. After some time has passed, you may start to weigh other options. Depending on how you feel about it, you may consider reaching out to other adult family members at some point. There may be aunts, uncles, or siblings who don’t know about you but would love to have you in their life.

In the end, you have to do what is right for you while trying to be as respectful as possible to your birth mom. Situations like this come with some difficult decisions. If you make the choice to contact other members of your birth family, the outcome may surprise you. You may find that your reunion isn’t as centered on her as you always thought it was.

Click here to read about a real adoptee’s reunion experience.

Additional search and reunion resources.

If you are wanting to begin your search to find birth parents, visit the new adoption training website

Ashley Foster is a freelance writer. She is a wife and a mother of two, currently residing in Florida. She loves taking trips to the beach with her husband and sons. As an infant, she was placed with a couple in a closed adoption. Ashley was raised with two sisters who were also adopted. In 2016, she was reunited with her biological family. She advocates for adoptees’ rights and DNA testing for those who are searching for family. Above all, she is thankful that she was given life.