Depending on where your unique adoption journey has taken you, you need to have a conversation with your adoptive mom to get her to understand the position you are in. She needs to know that it is completely normal and natural for you to want a relationship with your birth mother. A reunion in no way reflects a desire to replace anyone, just to add to your existing family.

In fact, there is no way for anyone to take the place of the parents who have been there for you through every milestone and heartache. In my reunion, it actually felt like I was just adding a second mom. Express to your adoptive mother how important it is for everyone to get along with one another. Any negative feelings in the triad will only weigh heavily on your relationship with your birth mom. And, if need be, remind your adoptive mom that not every adoptee gets the opportunity to have a relationship with his or her birth parents. Many adoptees learn during their search that a birth parent has already passed away. Once your adoptive mom understands your reasons for wanting both women to meet and why the experience is so important to you, things should go smoothly.

You may wish to talk to your biological mom about feelings your adoptive mother may be having. Let her know that it’s possible there could be some insecurity there and to tread lightly. Then you’ll need to pick a location. Choose some place that is quiet enough so that they have a chance to talk. Often, moms in adoption will thank each other for the roles the other has played in making your life what it is. They may swap stories about how they came to adoption. Really, pleasantness is enough. They don’t have to be friends—they just need to exist amicably to be a positive part of your life.

Ashley Foster is a freelance writer. She is a wife and mother of two currently residing in Florida. She loves taking trips to the beach with her husband and sons. As an infant, she was placed with a couple in a closed adoption. Ashley was raised with two sisters who were also adopted. In 2016, she was reunited with her biological family. She advocates for adoptees’ rights and DNA testing for those who are searching for family. Above all, she is thankful that she was given life. You can read her blog at //