If you’re thinking about placing your child or children for adoption, what would be the questions you’d want to know before placing them with a hopeful adoptive family? You’d want your child or children to be put in a loving and nurturing home and to make sure they have the best life possible with their new parents, but what would make the family you choose stand out from other families? I asked several birth parents what they’d want to ask and what they’d want to know about what kind of family they’d place their child with.

The first birth parent I interviewed was Shannon.

Shannon is a birth mother who’s due with her daughter, Gracie, in May. She realized at the age of 17 that she couldn’t take care of her daughter financially. Although heartbroken, Shannon knows giving her daughter a better life is the most rewarding thing she can do for her. She’s looking into open adoption and has several questions.

What are some questions to ask a hopeful adoptive family before placing with them?

Shannon: “Oh wow, I have so many questions! The questions I’d ask a hopeful adoptive family before placing my daughter with them are:

“How involved would you like me to be in my child’s life?”

“I would like to know if sending and receiving pictures would be allowed?

“How about sending holiday cards and gifts?”

“Would phone calls and emails be okay with the adoptive parents?”

“Although I won’t be raising my daughter, I’d love to be able to see her grow and celebrate birthdays and whichever holidays the hopeful adoptive family celebrates with her. If they accept the cards I write to her and gifts I’ll send for her, it’ll mean so much to me, knowing that her birth mother still cares for her and loves her. Once she gets older, I’d like to talk with her on the phone, whenever it’s convenient for her parents of course. I’d never intrude without their consent.”

My last question I’d ask is:

“How often would I be able to still see my child?

“It’d make me happy to see her whenever I wanted, however, I’m figuring out I’d have to follow by the adoptive parents’ schedules as well. I’d gladly accept once-a-month visits, whether in their home, or a park, or even at a visitation center. I mean, that’s the main reason I chose open adoption; I always want my Gracie to know I’ll always be there, whenever I’m able to.”

The next birth parents I interviewed are Corey and Amanda. Corey and Amanda recently found out they were expecting their second child together. They’re both teen parents who dropped out of high school together after Amanda gave birth. Already struggling to make ends meet, Corey, who works in fast food, is trying to keep up with bills while raising their 2-year-old son. Amanda, who stays at home with their son to save on daycare expenses, says that there’s no way that she would be able to raise another child. But they’re both hopeful and happy to give their baby a good home with a supportive family.  

What are some questions to ask a hopeful adoptive family before placing with them?

Amanda: The question I have for the adoptive family is:

“What are the parents’ educational backgrounds?

“I’d like our baby to be placed with parents who have an associate’s or bachelor’s degree. I’m a high school dropout and never had dreams about going to college or bettering my life. But now that I’m raising my son, I’d love to explore my options with college and work in the early childcare field. I want our baby to have parents that have a strong educational background and value the importance of a good education.”

Corey: The question I have is:

“Would my child/children be in a one-parent or two-parent household?” 

“I want the baby to grow up in a two-parent household; I don’t want the baby to grow up the way I did with only one parent, especially without a dad. When I was twelve, I watched my mom struggle to raise my brother and me on her own. Every other day, we had to stay at our grandmother’s house so my mom could work her second job. And I don’t want the baby to live in a life of poverty. Amanda and I receive help from the government with food stamps and WIC, and we also pay my mom rent money to keep staying with her until we get on our feet.”

Another question I have is: 

“What do you do for a living?”

“I’d want our baby to be with parents with a great and stable income. This kind of goes with my first answer dealing with poverty. Would they be able to financially support and be there for the baby? Do they work a 9-5 office job or do they work long hours as a counselor or lawyer? Is their job flexible to suit the baby’s needs? Whatever they do, I want to make sure they have a good career to give our baby the best life possible.” 

Bryonna.

Bryonna, who is thirty-two years old, is a wife and mother to 4 kids and feels that she doesn’t have room for another baby. She and her husband, Mike, decided to place their baby for adoption, but they hope their baby fits right in with the new family. 

What are some questions to ask a hopeful adoptive family before placing with them?

Bryonna: The question I have is:

“Would the hopeful adoptive parents have siblings for your child or children?”

“I’d want the baby to have a family with children, either their own or also adopted. How many kids they have already doesn’t matter to me as long as they have enough love to go around. I already have my hands full with 4 kids, and I’d want to make sure that they know if they could handle another baby, especially a newborn. Parenting takes time, patience, nurturing, and hard work, and I’d also want to put the baby with a family who has already been through the wringer with parenting.”

Natasha.

Natasha is a first-time birth mother who’s due to have her baby in 4 months. A college dropout, and having no solid idea for what she wants in life, Natasha knows she’s not in the right place to fully care for a baby. She wants her son to have a great life and knows adoption is what’s best for both her and him.

What are some questions to ask a hopeful adoptive family before placing with them?

Natasha: One question I have for the adoptive parents is:

“Would we agree on what to name the baby together or would the adoptive parents decide on his name?”

“I’m kinda torn on this. I know he won’t be my baby anymore, being I chose to have a closed adoption, but I’d like to at least name him before I give him to a new family. On the other hand, I don’t want to get too attached to him, so I’d want the new parents to choose his name.” 

Kaylee.

Kaylee is a teenage mother who’s trying to graduate high school early and is on the fast track to college. She has plans to become a nurse and feels that she isn’t prepared to have a baby. She wants to fully focus on nursing school and wants her baby to be placed with parents who value the importance of education. 

What are some questions to ask a hopeful adoptive family before placing with them?

Kaylee: I’d like to know:

“Do the parents have a good educational background and value the importance of education?”

“I’d want my daughter to know that school is important and having a good education is something to be proud of. I’d want to know if both of the parents have college educations and what colleges they went to. I’d want the parents to keep my daughter focused on her studies and help her if she’s falling behind. I want nothing but the best for her. Also, I’d want my daughter to always know that her birth mother made something of herself and always made time to study hard. Education has always been important to me, and I’d want the same for her too.” 

Claire. 

Claire is 22 and is pregnant with her 3rd child. Having already placed her first two kids, twin boys, for adoption 5 years ago, she just wants the hopeful parents to love her child unconditionally. She still sees her twins through open adoption and learned that they love animals. She knows that she still isn’t mentally and emotionally prepared to have a baby and wants to go with an open adoption this time as well. 

What are some questions to ask a hopeful adoptive family before placing with them?

Claire: A question I’d love to know is:

“Do you have any pets? If yes how many and what kind?”

“Being as my twins love animals, I’m hoping this baby will love them too! Dogs, cats, hamsters, turtles, rabbits, heck, even pigs would be fun! Whatever pets the family has, I hope they can be well-adjusted to having a baby around.” 

Marie and Tony.

Marie and Tony are in their early 40s and have been together for 15 years. Marie unexpectedly got pregnant when she missed her Nexplanon birth control appointment. She and Tony decided to never have kids because they were both very devoted to their careers and each other. 

What are some questions to ask a hopeful adoptive family before placing with them?

Tony: “I can think of two questions to ask the adoptive parents.”

“How did you meet?” 

“I’d want to know how they met, and how they knew they were made for each other. Also, I’d like to know:

“What do you two like about each other?”

“What’s the 3 best qualities about their other half? I want the baby to be with parents that love the baby just as much as they love each other.”

Marie: “My question is sorta like Tony’s last question.”

“Do you have a loving relationship and are you married?

“I too want to make sure the baby is surrounded by love and has parents who are crazy about each other! Marriage has always been important to us, so I’d love for the baby to be in a family whose parents are married. “

Faye.

Faye is 25 and is in an on-again, off-again relationship. She’s trying to better her life by becoming a before and after school teacher. Working and living in a tough neighborhood, Faye wants better for her baby boy. 

What are some questions to ask a hopeful adoptive family before placing with them?

Faye: What I want to know is:

“What are the neighborhood and schools like?”

“I want my son to grow up in a good neighborhood that isn’t filled with crime. I want him to know there’s a community that’s filled with caring people and so much that he can do with his life. I want the parents to afford to put him in a good school, surrounded by educators who want to be there and friends who are great role models.”

There are so many questions to ask a hopeful adoptive family, and asking simple ice breakers will help ease the nervousness you might feel when talking with the parents for the first time. If you were to have any more burning questions for the future adoptive parents as time goes on before the birth, you could write them down for the next time you talk with them. Or in some cases, you might choose a whole different set of adoptive parents to ask the same questions you’ve asked the previous parents. Whatever the situation, you want to make sure you’re absolutely comfortable and confident with the parents that you choose, and that you’re not only making a better life for your baby, but changing the adoptive parents’ lives for the better as well.

 

Kandice is an adopted twin, wife, and mother of two girls who loves spending time with her family and two rabbits. She loves reading and writing inspirational works of literature and loves telling stories.