Almost exactly five years ago, I was led to the parents of the child growing inside of me. I was almost five months pregnant and a few months into my decision of placing my baby for adoption. This was one of the most exciting times in my decision because everything was coming together rather quickly, and I began to witness the beauty of my decision as I felt the connection growing between the child inside of me and the parents that I chose for him.
From the moment I met his parents, I’ve never doubted that they were meant to be his, and I will always remember the way they treated me. They were kind, understanding, and very loving towards me. They were also very supportive in so many different ways throughout my pregnancy and still today. I understand that nobody on this earth is perfect, but I literally believe that my birth son’s parents are pretty darn close. I have personally never witnessed anything other than greatness from them! They are the most amazing people and parents that I have ever met and they have always inspired me in so many different ways! They openly share their son’s adoption story with him and others, and they’ve even allowed him to get to know his birth family. I know that my birth son’s parents will always do what is best for him. As you can tell, my experience as a birth mother has been absolutely awesome, and I strongly believe my birth son will believe that his adoption story is nothing less than amazing. That is my brief account regarding my experience in adoption as a birth mother.
When I think of the future of this adoption story, I feel hopeful and happy. I look forward to having the opportunity to watch that precious little boy continue to grow up. I enjoy sharing excitement about his life. I see pictures of him and his family all of the time, and I feel blessed because of it. I want to share the stories with my birth son of how I met his parents and about the day he was born. I want him to know about how highly regarded his family is to my family. I also want him to know how awesome his birth family members are, and how much they adore him. I’d love to be an extra cheerleader for him as his parents continue to guide him through life. I want to be available to answer questions and offer hugs if needed at some point. I want to have a relationship with him and his family forever! I also want him to understand that if having a relationship with me is too overwhelming for him, that’s okay too. I will always love him very much and nothing could ever change that.
But what if this wasn’t the story? What if I was too emotionally pained to keep in touch after his birth? What if my birth son’s parents thought it was best to not contact me? For whatever reason, what if I had absolutely no contact with my birth son, and he grew up and wondered about me? Would he grow up asking others, “Do you think my birth mother wants to be found?” We will explore this question, but first, I’d like to cover some important aspects of adoption.
If you are an adoptee wondering if your birth mother wants to be found, you are definitely not alone! There is a great number of other adoptees who are in the same situation as you are, wondering if they should try and look for their birth mother. One thing is for certain about the journey that you are on, it’s not easy. There are so many different emotions and feelings to work through, and I want to let you know that you are so brave and strong!
Joining the adoption community is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Reach out to other adoptees so that you can listen and share stories with others on this journey. You never know how someone else’s story could help you, or how your story can help someone else. Look into articles and books specifically made for adoptees to strengthen your knowledge and awareness for your situation. Doing these things can help build confidence within yourself and provide many answers you may have been looking for. Take a look at these articles listed below that provide wonderful information for you on your journey. These articles are just a sliver of good resources that are available to you as an adoptee. With that being said, I hope that you jump right into all of these resources and stories that may help build you up as an adoptee.
In this article, Derek Williams provides great advice and answers to this question. He recognizes that adoption reunification can be very overwhelming and explores many of the difficulties that adoptees have throughout their journey. This article is a perfect example of what the adoption community has to offer. After reading this article, you will see that you are not alone. This has great advice regarding how to handle reunification along with great questions that you could ask.
Preston Shewell provides extremely helpful information regarding many reunification resources that are available for you. One of these resources includes an online course that may assist you in your search and provide many answers you may be looking for. Utilizing all of the resources available to you will help you feel confident while you navigate through potentially finding your birth mother.
Dan Nebekker provides an in-depth, firsthand account of finding his birth mother. He really digs deep into all of the emotions that he experienced in the process which led to additional feelings and emotions that popped up along his journey that he continues to work through. I can only imagine how his story may help other adoptees, reassuring them that they’re not alone.
Now, let’s really dig deep into this question, “Do you think my birth mother wants to be found?” To be completely honest, nobody can really give you a definite answer to this question besides your birth mother or someone close to her. However, I can provide many different avenues of how a birth mother could possibly feel in different situations.
I imagine myself not having contact with my birth son and his family and not wanting to be found. If this was the case, I’d like to explore why this could be. Why wouldn’t I want to be found? Unfortunately, I have experienced a dark period of time in my birth motherhood which almost completely led me down this path. Fortunately, I climbed myself out with the help of others, and I’m able to try to explain it to you.
There was a point in my life when I started to feel like maybe my birth son is just better off not knowing me because I felt like I was just a screwup! Yup, that pretty much sums it up. I’m just a bad person who has always made bad and dumb decisions. I just mess everything up! I made a mess out of my life and I will probably fail my children too. Actually, I probably already have. Why should I have contact with my birth son and his family? They’ll just eventually think I’m a horrible person and stop contact with me one day anyway. So, why don’t I just save the heartache and end this relationship now? His adoptive family is way too good of people, and I’m not even worthy to know them or be their friends. I am not important anyway…
This was my way of thinking for quite a while, and this was a very unhealthy way for me to think. I actually believed and felt that I wasn’t good enough to contact my birth son or his family. In reality, I was scared. I was scared that I wasn’t going to be strong enough to be a birth mother. I was afraid that once by birth son’s parents knew exactly how complicated my life was they would not want to have contact with me. I was afraid that they would just think poorly of me.
It was also hard for me to come to the realization that one day my birth son may prefer to not deal with me. How would I be able to handle that? What if he never understands how much I absolutely care for him? What if he thinks poorly of me? What if his parents actually believe I am a burden to deal with? What if they wished I would just disappear? Sometimes being a birth mother is difficult. Well, the easiest thing to do in that situation was to just stop contact. Let’s just run away from all of the hard issues that come up in this situation instead of dealing with them.
After I stopped contact, my mother continuously asked me about my birth son and his family. I couldn’t even begin to open up and explain to her how and why I just decided to stop talking to them. Nobody would understand the intensity of the decision that was made, so what was the point in opening up to anyone about it? It was a lonely time for me.
Though after a while, I pondered the memory of holding my birth son in the hospital while I rubbed his back as he slept on my chest. I told him over and over again how much I love him. I told him that he was going to have a great life and that I hoped to be able to witness it. I told him how his parents were specially made just for him and that they were the best around. I told him that this wasn’t goodbye and that I would always be there for him if he needed me. The love that I had for my birth son wasn’t aligning well with avoiding contact with him and his parents. Meanwhile, his parents continuously reached out to me to make sure I knew that they loved me and missed me. They reassured me that they wanted me to be a part of their lives.
Well, I eventually worked through all of those negative thoughts that I had. I readjusted my way of thinking and remembered how amazing my birth son’s adoption story is. I reminisced in the wonderful memories I had with my birth son and his parents, and I began to gain the confidence I needed as a birth mother. I was an important part of the adoption triad, and I needed to treat myself as such. I actually needed to just treat myself better altogether, and I did. I am so happy that I have an open relationship with my birth son and his family now.
If a birth mother does not want to be found, I assume that she is struggling, or has always struggled, with her role as a birth mother. Maybe she was denied contact at the beginning of an adoptee’s life and she preferred to shut off that part of her life as a coping mechanism. One thing is for certain, birth mothers endure many different emotions and feelings surrounding an adoption. Even the best adoption stories have periods of struggle and rough times as I can personally witness. Regardless of the circumstances, a birth mother who doesn’t want to be found may only begin to heal if she is found. Possibly, a birth mother could have built up many walls surrounding her decision that may make it nearly impossible to reach out to her. I would not let this question stop you from attempting to find her. I highly recommend an adoptee stay informed and heavily use the resources provided by the adoption community in order to get through this journey. I hope this article may help you understand why a birth mother may not want to be found, and how that situation is possible to overcome.
Heather courageously became a birth mother in 2014. She is inspired to personally share how open adoption has incredibly impacted her life. She shatters the common misconceptions about birth mothers and desires to provide a beautiful and unique point of view. Heather enjoys her grind as an administrative specialist for a millwork company in Wisconsin. While dedicated to her profession, Heather believes her most important job in life is motherhood. Her three children keep her busy, yet extremely overjoyed and purposeful. Her free time is spent reading, writing, or admiring the view of Lake Michigan, which can be seen from her front porch.